Kristi’s 17 Rules of Soccer
1. Don’t touch The Little Rookie. Don’t smack him, don’t unlawfully tackle him, don’t trip him, kick him, stumble over him or even look at him the wrong way. Don’t make me come down there!
2. You are not allowed onto the field to help an injured beloved one without one of those medic vests on. (Note to self: research purchase of medic vest and magic spray.)
3. The other team, without a doubt, is wrong in their actions 98% of the time.
4. Our team never hurts someone except by accident, excepting the deliberate times they deservedly have to defend rights and honor by brawling on the field. Trips, shoves, bumps and general belligerence is all imagined by the opponents and their fans. Would I lie to you? :-)
5. Referees are evil, for the majority. There is that rare exception who is truly unbiased and fair in their observance and deliberations. This lone guy deserves some pie and a pat on the back.
6. The other team will have a Rude Goalkeeper that seems to stop all our attempts to get the ball in the net. It’s okay to call him a jackass and stick little voodoo pins in a goalie doll during the game.
7. Red Cards issued against your team are ALWAYS unfair and must be met with loud, obnoxious protests on and off the field. This is mandatory fan behavior and “sitters” observed benignly and apathetically watching with mouths shut will be bodily ejected!!
8. The Pitch is Holy Ground. You may kiss it, save a blade of grass in a locket, and take frequent photographs of it but DO NOT throw things on it, spit on it, have sex on it or do anything repulsive to it. If you do, and burst into flames while sleeping, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
9. While at a game: don’t spill your sticky stuff on others, trample on their feet with your MANY trips back and forth to concessions, or be otherwise rude and obnoxious. One trip per half past everyone else in the row is one trip too many. Get there early, buy your stuff, go to the toddy and sit down till halftime.
10. If watching at home, watch party or on airport telly: everyone around you is obligated to SHUT UP so you can hear the broadcasters wax philosophic about what the men are doing on the screen. Strong glares and verbal “Sssshhhh’s” with finger-wagging are acceptable.
11. Though colored team gear is not mandatory for fashion plates in attendance at games, you must NOT wear the opposing teams colors to a game or public airing of it. This is a grave fashion faux pas resulting in possible Penalty of having to go home to watch the game by your ridiculous self. Good sense is the best accessory for a great fashion statement!
12. For the broadcast team: a European broadcaster is always preferred, to give your MLS games a little flavor of authenticity and olde world glamour. You might even branch out and hire a Brazilian or Aussie for colorful variation. Anyone with a lovely accent and understanding of these rules will do nicely.
13. The Coaching staff must question referees early and often.
14. Following a game, it’s polite to tweet, tumble and facebook your thoughts in addition to leaving comments on team and member sites in a vivid re-telling and re-living of every special moment of the game, for all to benefit from. This is not so much a rule as a guideline. Your true compadres need you and anyone who is going to unfollow you for excessive tweeting will already have done so.
15. During a game, you can apparently be issued a Yellow Card for Excessive Tweeting With Not Enough Watching of the actual game in real-time. Don’t ask me how I know this!!
16. Our defenders are never wrong. I repeat, they are never wrong. They clearly see what must be done. Stuff happens when two people are near and possibly fighting over the ball. We didn’t MEAN to break your guy’s ankle or render him unable to procreate… geeeeeessh!
17. Some say you can have too much soccer talk. There is, in reality, never enough!! Keep talking about it until America is forced to recognize MLS as a nationally important sport!
May the Soccer Gods smile kindly on you. Unless you’re the opposing team, that is… see you lying on The Pitch if you’re not on the right side of these rules!
Sporting Kansas City. Playoff-bound!!
